Death

This has been on my mind for a while. It makes my heart ache a little. My job is good. I like it but the ppl have changed. They are so distant now. But i could careless except for one of them. I wish I could rewind the clock back to my first day. I was so fresh & promising--the day I met him. He was kind. His smile was gentle. He liked my company. We were friends. Friends. We looked forward to seeing eachother @ work. @ first he meant nothing to me but Idk exactly when my feelings crossed over. Suddenly he was always on my mind. & I was so sad when he had days off. I cried inside if I couldn't see him. I'd check our schedules & come looking my best for him. We had so much in common; we could talk for hours. & When he changed positions, I hid my tears & he hid his. & I just wanted to hang out but his feelings for me were so much more.

He took me to dinner & a movie--a romantic date. It caught me by surprise & he thought we didnt belong together. I was no longer an option to him. After, we talked less & less, me trying to keep our relationship alive. I was so desparate. But he grew colder & colder as if his heart had frozen over. Now were so distant @ work--no conversation when see each other. No "how r u"--nothing. He speaks to everyone except me. When I try to talk I only seem like a bother. I give up. He's only cold to me. I cry inside. His feelings for me are dead.

My Almost Perfect Date

So, it is been abt 3 days from when I last saw my date, I keep forgetting his name & spelling it wrong. His name isn't that difficult but w/e. I'm just gonna admit right now, he's an ok guy, idk if it's right for me to say that he's a good guy. But anyways, he is kinda an urban gentleman, I mean like, he treats me well & is resceptful & he keeps pushing honesty. I'm kinda a honest person but I'm not gonna tell him everything. But we talked abt our families & stuff. And as we're walking down the street, I see my dad's car & then I look up...BAM! My dad is in my face. I take a deep breath & i'm like "Hi dad, this is that guy I told you abt yesterday." My date's face is priceless. He is terrified. My dad is a pretty big and scary guy, but he doesn't scare me lolz. He shakes my dad's hand. My dad (the most embarrassing omg) My dad says "u can call me Killer b/c I will not hesitate to do u know what." My date laughs & my dad says "don't laugh, I'm serious. I'll wipe that smile off ur face." I'm shaking my head as my date, says "yes, sir I understand." Embarrassing. I couldn't wait to go.

After, my date constantly explains to me that he's a respectful, honest guy. He says he's "real". He's not trying to act all tough or brag but he's a real gangsta w/ a capital G. I hear this abt 34692730008184 times on our date. I'm like, "I get it. Ur a gangsta or w/e." And then he tells me abt all the fights he's gotten into and I feel kinda bad, like I'm bashing him on my blog but I'm not. I have no comment. Maybe he really is a respectful gangsta. We cool? Yeah. My feelings are very difficult. I wasn't interested in our conversation but I wasn't annoyed either. I think I was hungry. But the more he's talking, the more nervous I become. Like, he doesn't have a car or his lincense b/c he lost his lincense from driving drunk. I don't like drunk driving b/c that is so stupid and dangerous, like that makes me so angry & he told me he was recently fired from his job for eating a sandwich & then paying for it later. No comment. After all, that I became so nervous, I kept thinking "omg, will he have enough money to pay for dinner?" I've never felt that way on a date before.

I'm trying to eat my dinner & the waitress was a bitch. My date keeps bluntly saying he can read ppl well and he says "I'm shy." I'm thinking: of course I'm shy u idiot, I'm on a date w/ a kinda cute guy. Duhhhh. But instead I politely smile & giggle a little. And then, this kinda pised me off...a little. He says, "I can tell ur kinda smart. At first I thought u were ditzy & dumb. I'm just being honest." I should've smacked him. WTF is that suppose to mean? He's a dumbass. But w/e. Before the date could end, I had to hear abt his AA exprience. He would be so hurt if he read this. I feel so bad for writing it, but w/e. Still I have no comment, but I don't think I wanna see him again maybe, I'm not sure. He keeps texting me like a maniac & now he's probably wondering why I haven't texted back. Every text is asking me if I had a good time w/ him. Well, if he's soooooo good at reading ppl, read this: I'M NOT INTERESTED lolz

KHR :D

I've been kinda influenced to post this b/c I love KHR, I watched it a while ago but not recently but...I...have a secret love for Hibari! I'm like obsessed w/ him. He's so cool & tough! & honestly I think Hibari & Dino are the sexiest yaoi pairing in KHR. They're my favorite b/c Dino is so a seme and Hibari is a tough uke. That's so sexy. I have a secret love for tough ukes, but I like quiet, innocent ukes & fiesty ukes. I like all ukes. There I said it. My uke blah blah blah & I like all semes--err...most semes except for Kanou. Not important. I don't like him. w/e kinda had to get my Hibari love off my chest.

Hiro & Nowaki :3

Aww Hiroki...I feel the same way when ppl are blunt b/c I'm kinda a sneaky person and I have done that kind of thing before too. Just like Hiro, I have watched this boy I liked from across the street and when he confronted me, I was blushing like crazy & so embarrassed & he had known since the day I started watching him. So embarrassing. I'm very shy /// but anyways, Hiro blushing for Nowaki is so cute ^.^

Bow to My Highness Rilakkuma! ^o^

Life After Breakdown & Burnout

It's very difficult for me to say this at this moment in my life. Things have changed. My outlook on life has changed, and I have become very aware of my surroundings. I lose ambition. I lose direction. I'm still unstable but I will be ok. I have learned to live life to the fullest. I loss focus. I'm exhausted but I don't sleep at night anymore. I refuse to turn off the light at night as well. There are certain nightmares I have in daylight and nighttime. Nightmares that I can't get out of my mind. I have been tripping out a lot lately, but I'm recovering. I have breakdowns and burnouts that require me to give up on my ambitions, avoid going to work, uncompleting homework, and not going to class. I will be okay. I will try hard to remain okay and resume back to my normal life structure. Of course my routine will undergo some alterations. But I will no longer be afraid. I have the power of the all mighty forever in my heart. Everything will be ok. That's is all. Thank you friends. Also, I'm very excited because new yaoi animes and manga is on the way. I heard Sex Pistols vol.6 will be released in the US and Junjou Romantica vol. 13 will be released in June or something like. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the 5th vol. of Only the Ring Finger Knows to be released to the US, but idk. But let's all be excited and wait for the upcoming yaoi animes to be released. Sekaiichi Hatsukoi!! ^_^ love y'all bye bye xxoxoxo