15 June, 2011

Me, Me & More Me...?

It's blue outside right now...like almost 5am and I haven't slept. I've been thinking. Yes. All night. Not having sex but thinking all night. I was just thinking about my family. I live with them but they're just so crazy...ok maybe not crazy but abusive. And I'm not blaming them for all my problems but they have caused a lot of problems for me. I'm only 20 years old, so maybe there are things I don't understand, but I can't live with my parents anymore. I just can't. I can't take the abuse and even though my mom doesn't hit me or anything, I think she's still a part of the abuse. My dad is abusive physically and mentally. He attacks everyone in my family. The police have come to my house so much that they threatened to no longer come because they believe the family just needs a little counseling. Well it's more than a little counseling can fix. The police are useless. They do nothing. I tried to press charges against my dad for attacking me and for some reason that angered the police and suddenly they wanted to arrest me. Cops are useless biased pigs. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my dad has been attacking me--vicious fights because I don't hesitate to defend myself and my mom gets mad at me for calling the police to protect myself or for defending myself. She tells me not to tell anyone. She talks about kicking me out of the house or punishing me for defending myself.

My dad and I have had many fights. He is a lazy greedy abusive bastard. My parents always complain about money. They say they have monstrous bills but not one of them gets a second job to pay anything. No matter how much money they get it's never enough. My dad constantly wastes money on the lottery, beer and cigarettes and I don't even know what else. And my mom won't buy anything. She feels guilty even buying food for the family and she stopped doing everything. She doesn't cook, clean but she works a 9-5 job and then comes home every night and just watches netflix. When she does go food shopping it's only $20 worth of food. And when the microwave broke, my parents picked up a microwave they found on the side of the road. bleh. I hate my parents because they're ridiculous. She makes more than $15 usd an hour and she can't BUY a microwave?! WTF! But this is off topic.

My dad attacked me a couple weeks ago. The police were called. I got hurt. They took him away. He came back and everyone wants to act like nothing happened. I'm not over it. Everyone is talking to him and stuff. I'm upset. I'm still mad. The police threatened to arrest me even though it was self defensive. I was the victim. But because my mom, who was mad at me for calling the police even through my father was throwing me around the house as if I were a teddy bear, told the cops I attacked my father and that he was defending himself from me. Isn't that ridiculous? If I were to get arrested, then that could cause me to lose financial aid for college and if I actually went to jail I could lose my job. My mom is just so stupid. I hate her. I hate both my parents. My mom is fucking crazy. She lets my dad abuse her and every night they run to me or my sibling to call the police. I just hate her. My mom told me she was gonna get a divorce from my father when I turned 18 years old. Well, I'm fucking 20 years old now! She's always looking for excuses. I hate this bitch so fucking much. She's always trying to scare me about moving out and traveling. I'm just so sick of this bitch. She always has something negative to say--always shooting down my ideas and saying I'm crazy. This bitch is whacked. She even discouraged me as a homoerotic author. That's what I like to write so deal with it bitch. I'm not changing for her.

But still, why is everyone acting like my dad's abuse is ok? Nothing changes. I'm fucking sick of it. SICK OF IT!!! I promised myself I wouldn't blog about this, but oh well. I like only putting interesting things on my blog not this stupid family shit. But yeah, I can't live with my parents. They're just too crazy and abusive. But I honestly think that because of my family issues being kept a secret for more than 10 years, I learned how to shut everyone out. It's kinda difficult to understand but I can be a social person but simultaneously, I don't know how to open up to ppl about my true likes--the real me. I've never told anyone that I like yaoi or that I'm an author. I don't say anything I care about to people. And most people think I'm this amazing angelic person. I'm always smiling, handing out compliments, I never stand up for what I believe in, I don't argue--I'm just this submissive docile happy person to everyone outside of my family. My family are the only people that have seen the true lazy person I am. But Idk, maybe I'm really shy? But I also think that my family troubles are always on my mind because that is what I come home to almost every night, so it bothers me but I can't tell anyone and I don't wanna tell anyone because it might ruin my perfect reputation, my mom will be extremely mad and everyone thinks my dad is this amazing handy man. Something has to be done. This post can't even describe the craziness of my mom. And I haven't slept at all tonight but had to get it off my chest. Goodnight my loves xxoxoxxx ;D


  1. I admire you for being strong till now despite all the hardships you went through. Just remember there's a solution to every problem, some we find straight away, others take time. :) I hope you work things out with your family. xox

  2. i can totally relate! Name's nic i was browsing through my followers when i clicked onto your blog

    I'm a yaoi fan duh reason why i clicked but anyways i know what you're going through i hate my family too not exactly the same case as yours but similar and the projectory most outsiders had about me is definitely the same as yours except i wasnt that submissive i was just really nice and confident that people would never think i have big problems and troubles in life cause i kept them to myself lol that was before though soon i opened up to my closest friends and it's helpful to; lightens the burden of carrying all that weight inside.

    Fellow author and yaoi fan i'll poke around more in your blog but if you want to contact me here's my email = nic_anime@yahoo.com

    my blog = http://nic-nicwriting.blogspot.com

    stay strong and take care!

  3. Thank you all for the comments. They really helped me. I feel like I'm not alone and that there is away out. Thank you so much.