2013!

So...2012 is pretty much over and while the year started off on a bad note, it had its good times--new beginnings. I can't say I'll miss 2012 but I can wave goodbye to it without ever looking back. I'm stronger than I ever was that's for sure. At the start of 2012, I was under a lot of stress because I almost had to attend court as a witness of a fight between my mom and my dad. I quit my job which was stupid and I was in a lot of debt. I was depressed almost every day. Then there was the cyber bullying backstabbing that hurt somewhat because I was already depressed and clingy. It was ridiculous. I was ridiculous. So if 2012 has taught me anything at all, it would be no matter how tough times are, it depends on how you handle it, which will determine how you'll get out if it and the people that matter the most are the people who help you through those tough times no matter how ridiculous you are. They don't have to be blood related to be family. Family is the people that have stayed by your side no matter how immature or ignorant you are. Those people matter. Lastly, you never really get over people or--anything. You only move on, but the joyous memories will never fade, so you learn to live without them but no one ever moves on really, you just get over it. Time heals even the worst situations, so never give up. I welcome 2013 and no matter what it's my mission to make this the beginning of the best year ever!  

Update...

It has been a long time since I lasted blogged...but that is good and bad. I am stressed. I am always stressed. The weather sucks. So rainy. I want summer now. I have so many bills to pay, so I'm looking for a job. I don't want a shitty cashiering job, I wanna be a tutor. It's hard to explain because I'm fed up with all that shitty work making little pay. I wanna start on my career already. I want to teach. I am willing to teach anything but I am a little too dumb. I have an interview for a tutoring position tomorrow, I hope it goes well. I am worried about some other things and my home life has become much better. Can't wait to get some money to buy yaoi manga, clothes and stuff. Any suggestions for yaoi mangas I should buy? I did really poorly in my math class, so I'm worried that I failed it, but if I failed it, I might get kicked out of school...so...I'm worried but whatever happens, happens. Next time I'll post more stuff on more positive topics, like this book I'm going to buy on Natural Living and how positive thinking/ meditation has improved my life. Also, I might be studying in Japan next Spring. Wish me luck! I need help with time management.

Umm...

I'm an avid reader and I really enjoy cute stories and romantic stories but the closest genre to my heart is drama. Stories with the drama element always pull me in. I can't say it entertains me but I think maybe in my subconscious I have a sadness that lingers within everything I do. I don't want to believe that I have any bipolar disorder or mental disorders but I'm always sad. Films like Sapphire's Precious and things like that, I can always adopt some sort of inspiration.

Before I start to sound like some crazy Marquis de Sade, I wanna say although bdsm is sexy like Tori Maia's Hoshi no Yakata but that's not what I'm saying. I don't get a charge out of watching others in pain but instead I feel empathy and take an emotion away from the work. Like I benefit from feeling sad after reading sad work. I wanna say drama helps inspire me like in a way it makes me feel less sad like I have no reason to be sad because there are people experiencing worse problems and feelings than anything I have gone through.

Not much more to say on this topic except most of the time I am sad. I am just sad and nothing will change that. But I like to indulge in yaoi romance/ drama manga, so I've been into Toko Kawai's work like Cut. It was so good but a little painful. I don't like happy endings. I like sad endings like the ending of My Sexual Harasment. We know Junya has gone crazy and he'll always be Honma's sex slave. Also bitterly sad endings like Jim Grimsley's Dream boy. But yeah, I guess sad works makes me thankful and shines a little light on my sadness.

The Story So Far

The new semester started a little while ago and all ready time is moving so quickly. After passing last semester without a problem, I've become too careless and I signed up for some really hard classes. Oh no! One is a math class that is driving me crazy and the other is an American history class focused on Native Americans. It's extremely difficult. And to make matter worse, there is cute guy in my class named Brendan. We've known each other before class but our relationship isn't that close, so he ignores my existence in class although I have occasionally caught him staring at me. I'm too shy to approach him. Curse my shyness. grrr. But that's just the least of my problems.

There is another guy in my class that talked about me while I was talking in front of the class. He whispered I was "stupid" and "pathetic". My friend in class overheard and told me all about it. I became enraged. So, out of anger I retaliated by quietly confronting the guy. I couldn't confront the guy in class because I didn't want Brendan to see that ugly side of me.

The guy quickly denied all allegations but the guilty smile that flashed on his face was enough proof for me. I think he denied it because he wanted to avoid fighting. Don't talk shit if you can't fight with your fists! So, then I decided to stop handling the situation in a nice way and instead my friend and I talked badly about the guy right behind him! I know right, I'm really a bold person when anger takes control over me. He over heard it but ignored it.

Ever since then I haven't heard anything about him talking about me badly, but I keep running into the guy everywhere on campus unintentionally. Omg! It's so awkward. He probably thinks I'm a crazy nut that's stalking him or something. He always gives me a funny look. I'm not sure what it means. I pretend as if I don't notice the guy when I see him but still I feel awkward. The other day the guy was with his friend and I heard him whisper "that's the guy". He really is a bad whisperer. His friend shot a quick glance at me but nothing has become of that situation. And the other day in class I wanted to sit next to Brendan without it seeming obvious that I really like him, I didn't notice but the guy that talked badly about me happened to be in the next seat over from the seat I chose. And since it isn't a spot where I normally sit, it made it seem like I was trying to bother that guy by sitting next to him, so he gave me a dirty look. I hate miscommunications.

So the next class, the guy was absent and the seats near Brendan were all full. I hate my life. The class after that I ditched because I had other important things I wanted to do, so I'm sure that guy was relieved. lolz. But now this upcoming class I plan on asking Brendan if I can borrow his notes since I missed a class. Hopefully this could turn into something more like FRIENDSHIP or something ;)

Meh.

Easing back into my daily routine is difficult. I am not exactly aware of why it's difficult but recently, school started again and even though I had a month of vacation, I can't seem to get a grip on my studies. There aren't any cute guys in my classes to take my mind off of the miserable lecture. My classes are so boring but I can't complain because school is always boring. Bleh. But also, I no longer have a job and in all honesty, I'm not looking for a job at the moment. I have no money and a long list of things to buy. And that may seem like a horrible situation but it's better than cashiering at a dead-end job, so in that reality, I am happy.

Right now, I can't say much about the way I feel. I know I've had some ups and downs. I'm okay now...I think. At least I hope I will be okay. No mood-swings or mind-crushing depressive attacks. I am not crazy. Sometimes I'm a little lost but I think I found my way. Also, I'm excited to watch the remake of the Ai no Kusabi OVA. I'll watch it tonight.

I have developed a coffee addiction..

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2012

It's only January and I'm battling intense stress. Welcome 2012. This was intended to be a short post, so I'm done. Oh yeah, Sekaiichi Hatsukoi season 2 was amazing. My favorite character changed. A little while ago I thought Ritsu & Takano were the best but now I really prefer Chiaki even though I never liked Hatori. Is that possible? The complexity of my decision is too long to discuss right now, but strangely enough Chiaki gives me inspiration or something. Who's your favorite character or pairing?